kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.