ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
i- i did not expect this
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*