Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
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I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Basketball
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no