No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Meow
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
When libraries troll their patrons.