Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse