dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.