Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome