TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
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cantgaroo
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noneigator
stoprilla
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tellthetruthon
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WHO DID THIS?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
He-man has a Masters degree
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Who called it baking and not making love
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.