When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?