“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Merica.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Dishonest mechanic?
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*