[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.