Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
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I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Jesus Christ lmao
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.