Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
You Might Also Like
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
…..pretty much.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids