i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
BETRAYAL
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.