I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant