Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them