I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Always
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.