Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Guantanamo Bae
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!