girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
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When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
no refunds
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I need this for my side hustle.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard