Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.