Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m aging like a fine banana
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Siri: Retweet me.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.