Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.