“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce