Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
You Might Also Like
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?