Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities