My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Cow it started Cow it’s going
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire