lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them