Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page