*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
shampoo implies shampee
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.