5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.