Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?