Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
How to properly lift a body
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.