“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”