Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture