dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.