Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I’m confused about plants
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.