Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: