GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
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how it started vs how it ended
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p