the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
*aggressively waits in line*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.