I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….