*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you