It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Um … Hot Wings please
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
🔦🌙👣
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.