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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
who wore it better?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.