I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
You Might Also Like
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Easy enough.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
it must be school picture day
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*