I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Fries, not lies.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…