My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
You Might Also Like
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
🐕🍷
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Baking is just science you can eat.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.