I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
My work here is done
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.