Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
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The Assassin.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.