I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly