I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances